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Subject: What do I do now ??
Posted By Sarah B on 26-11-2009
Hi
I had a very frank discussion (well, screaming match) with my husband at the weekend. Told him I did not love him, I did not want to be married to him any more and wanted us to seperate. He is having none of it, says I'm selfish, he refuses to move out, will not seperate, will not sell the house etc. He says I am selfish to leave and I must stay and 'make an effort' to be a loving wife. I don't want to - my feelings are dead and I can never get them back. I have a 7 year old son. I did go and see a solicitor and she said I should not leave the house and leave him there, because then I will not have any control. She says I should not leave my son there and go, because the custody will be a problem.
I feel completely and utterly trapped. I have nowhere to go if I leave with my son...and that would totally destroy him and he would do something serious...I'm pretty scared about that.
I also need to hold down my full time job - I can't just run away...
the only option is for me to stay in the house and serve papers on him, force him to sell the house etc (but still live there with him). I can't comprehend that - he will go totally crazy and probably burn the house down or do something worse. That would be a living hell.....anyone else been in this position? What on earth do you do if your partner will not accept that the marriage is over?
I know you are probably not going to give me any options that I don't already know about but I just wanted to come on here and 'vent'.
What if I went to Relate? Do you think they can help him accept the marriage is over? Maybe hearing it from someone outside would help him accept it? But knowing my husband, maybe not.....
Follow up comments
Added By Stuart on 26-11-2009
Err....not so easy to "serve papers" in order to make him sell....
I think you could do with showing a little bit of empathy Sarah. Put yourself in his shoes. So far you have only thought of your feelings and fears. You have talked about keeping control and that he is refusing to move out.
He too will have fears and worries especially if his wife is telling him he should move out etc.
The only way to demonstrate to him that you no longer wish to be married to him is to petition for divorce.
Now here lies the problem...
What will you petition him for?
Adultery is out and obviously you dont want to wait 2 years.
Unreasonable behaviour?
Thing is that while he cant ultimately stop the divorce he can slow it all down.
He doesnt have to do as you tell him anymore than you have to do as he tells you.
Yes, perhaps relate might work, but you need to take a breath and try and keep calm.
Believe me, its a horrible thing to be told that "the marriage is over" and he cant be expected to play exactly by your rules because its what you want.
Added By LazyLizzie on 26-11-2009
I lived with my husband and two sons whilst I divorced him against his will. The boys and I finally moved out a couple of months after the absolute when he paid me what was due under the divorce settlement - he remained in the house.
Yes, it can be done.
No, it won't be a pleasant experience.
Would I reccommend it? No. It took just over a year to do it and its not a year I would wish to re-live.
Unless you have been telling him how you feel on a regular basis for the last couple of years then Stuart has a very valid point - think how he is feeling. You have had time to come to terms with this and are making the choice. He isn't. Its a bit like somebody dying - only in this case he stands to lose most of his money AND his son
Give him time to think what he wants - and who should have care of your child. It may be that he would like to be the main carer...............
Added By Kat007 on 27-11-2009
I agree totally with the above posts good advice and very clear.
I would aslo like to add if I may that being told you are not loved and a marriage is over is the one of the worst things to happen to somebody. Having screaming matches is not healthy and especially in the house that your son is in.
Yes you both can remain in the house he has no legal obligation to vacate neither do you, yes it will be difficult to live together but can be done, you just need to seperate finances and agree who pays what, joint accounts to be disolved etc etc. You do your washing cooking he does his and both share your childs.
As for your child, he needs to be considered very carefully in all this and especially while things are so raw for you both, any conflict he witnesses will cause him emotional damage and he will think that him being there is the problem(been there).
Do if your husband is willing try relate explain calmly that you feel you both need to go to try and end the marriage with the least amount of annimosity as possible and that it may even give you both a clear idea as to why the marriage has failed so in the future you can both move on to happier relationships with others and not repeat the same mistakes.
It can be done just remain calm, give him time to adjust to the idea of getting divorced and take care of the childs emotional wellbeing.
I wish you both luck and hope things are calmer for you all.
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