ONDIVORCE GENERAL AND CONTACT MESSAGEBOARD
[ADD YOUR COMMENTS] [LIST ALL SUBJECTS]
Subject: Its not right, and I doubt there is anything I can do about it.....
Posted By Jools123 on 29-11-2009
I have my daughter with me this weekend, we woke up this morning (after she wet the bed for the first time) and she said 'Daddy, I dont want to see you for longer because it means I cant play with or see William (her friend)' or words to that effect.
This is in response to my solicitor requesting increased access on alternative weekends from Friday 5pm through Sunday 5pm rather than Saturday 9am through to Sunday 5pm. My daughter shouldnt even know about this application (she's still a few months from being 4) and this is her mum putting stuff into her head to manipulate the situation.
This really saddens and annoys me. My daughter is being used in this situation and she shouldnt.
The weekend before last she also said 'that mummy doesnt like daddy because daddy made mummy cry when she (daughter) was in mummy's tummy. True, we split up when she was pregnant but my daughter shouldnt have to deal with that especially at her age.
I doubt there's anything I can do about this but I find it so sad. Should I mention this when I go back to court for increased access. My ex in my opinion is ignorant and probably doesnt think she is doing anything wrong.
In the 1st instance I told my daughter that daddy would like to see more of her and this would not stop her seeing William and not to worry about it especially as it wouldnt be every week. In the 2nd instance I responded by saying 'do you think daddy would do that?' and she said 'no'. Again I just left it at that, gave her a kiss and said she was too young to understand and could make up her own mind when she's older and let her get back to her Dora DVD - thank god for Dora ;-)
I expect many NRP hear similar stories. I just really think its awful that she should be manipulated like this.
Thoughts, advice? Have I handled it correctly or is there anything else I could have said or done.
Thanks
Follow up comments
Added By EnglishRose on 29-11-2009
You've done very well. Parents' views differ on what children ought to know and at what age. perhaps make sure she seems more of Wiliam when she is with you than she does when she's at home. Do you know how he is? It's usually mid teens who dont' want their arrangements at weekends changed not 3 year olds who tend to do what they're told. I always wanted my ex to have ours much much more than he would have them.
Sadly the best way so that for the next 10 years all 3 of you manage fine will be to get on so that the longer term - which is seeing your daughter from age 13 to when she's 60 goes well. People neglect that period. I've three children now in their 20s. Their father has chosen not to stay in touch. he could be having meaningful relationships with them in their early 20s but hasn't kept any communication going.
Anyway you said exactly the right things and there's no reason alternate weekends cannot be as you have set out there. Why not even collect her from school on Friday and driop her back on Monday am eventualyl which many parents do and works fine as you don't need to meet the other parent.. The only downside with that is you need to wash the school uniform at weekends, be a proper paernt, make sure the home work and music practice is done at teh weekend and all the dull stuff resident parents do day in day out but that's exactly what both parents shoudl be forced to be doing not just fun things.
Added By sometimesitdoesn'twork on 29-11-2009
I think you need to be very wary of jumping to conclusions based on what children say. Children weigh up the pros and cons and come to a decision in the same way adults do. They may also change their mind. If the time children spend with a parent is interesting and stimulating; they are secure in the knowledge that the parent loves them and the door is open so they can talk without the parent being negative about the other parent; and children are generally encouraged to see facts as they are and make up their own minds rather than believing everything they are told they are unlikely to harbour feelings of resentment against a parent.
Would mentioning it in court help your case? I think not because in an earlier post you say you have rarely missed contact over a two year period so there is no evidence of the denial of contact or the Mother is hostile to contact. It is your opinion that your ex is ignorant and wrong, but a court wouldn't necessarily agree with you and could see you as being judgmental and controlling. Your cases relies on convincing a judge of the positives and why extending contact would benefit your daughter.
Would mentioning it change your ex's behaviour? I doubt it. Criticism doesn't bring about change, it tends to leave the other party resentful and resistant.
Added By why? on 03-12-2009
you did good. i have h who manipulates children and that is clear from comments they make. h is a compulsive liar and a blamer and that applies to all persons not just me, so this included the children. he will do or say something wrong or bad, deny it, blame them , even calling one a liar which he did with his boys from his first marriage etc.
i hada situation when h did not pick up children on fathers day and they were upset as they had all gifts etc hand made at home and ready and waiting to go. he blamed me to the children. my daughter was confused and i explained to her that if things dont seem right or dont make sense then its usually because they are not right or dont make sense. i told her that if she was ever confused between what different people were saying and she didn't know who to believe then she should deal with what she does know. the facts and forget about the other stuff.
| 
