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Subject: How do non-resident parents deal with the time away from children
Posted By Jools123 on 01-12-2009
Hi all,
Another one from me.....
I am finding the time outside of contact very tough and was wondering how NRPs cope. I have that aching/emptiness feeling in my stomach for several days after saying goodbye. She is blossoming into a funny/intelligent little girl (nearly 4) and I just wish I could spend more time with her.
As my relationship with ex is so bad (and wont get better - that's on her part I must add) I don't get to speak in between contact or know of anything she is doing (12 days). I'm applying for increased access in the coming weeks but that wont take effect (if successful) until the new year and she's being taken out of the country (S. Africa) against my wishes and breaking the contact order over Christmas so its going to be extremely hard. I don't know how I will be able to deal with this 5 weeks absence.
Has anybody worked out a way of dealing? My partner has suggested counselling as its becoming all-consuming.
Follow up comments
Added By Stuart on 01-12-2009
I agree with your partner. If you let it eat you up then it will destroy you and your current relationship.
For the time being Im afraid you will have to just bite the bullet. You are going to go to court in the new year and will get further contact. Also ask for telephone contact too.
Im sorry to say that you will just have to accept that your ex is one of those women who likes to control by using the child.
However, as I am now finding out, they really do reap what they sew. My ex was exactly as yours is. She tried everything she could to remove me from my sons life.
I hung in there as must you. Believe me, now he is 12 things are very different. She doesnt get away with being the control freak she used to be. She might try but she fails. My son tells her what he thinks and o course she now plays the poor little victim.
Just hang on in there....
Added By Jools123 on 01-12-2009
Hi Stuart,
Yeah, I didn't think there was a magic cure :-(
Cheers,
Jools
Added By Owl1 on 01-12-2009
I agree with your partner Jools, counselling may be a good idea. You can cope with abscences from your daughter, as all parents spend time apart from their children when they choose and don't give it a second thought. Missing her company is normal but focussing on it can become an obsession. So can focussing on the unfairness of it all and that will just increase your anger and despair.
The key I have found is not to even think or factor what your child's other parent may be doing, it just gets you locked in bitterness and expressing the angry emotions Stuart does. That won't be good for your daughter long term either. Focus instead on your life with those around you and enjoy that. Its hard but sometimes you just have to take the step to get outside of yourself and your feelings and do something else.
How about taking up a new interest that you have always wanted to do. Get out and about, not haviong the care of children all the time can give you freedoms that you wouldn't otherwise have.
Its hard but it can also be an opportunity.
Added By Stuart on 02-12-2009
"it just gets you locked in bitterness and expressing the angry emotions Stuart does."
O course owl.....you are such a perfect person....
Up yours darling!
Added By Kat007 on 02-12-2009
ouch
Added By Owl1 on 02-12-2009
Stuart have you considered what it is really like for your son to have a father who is still so angry and bitter with his mother so many years out from the divorce? Someone who takes glee and vicarious satisfaction in the fact that his child may turn on his mother .
Nasty Stuart, your son deserves better.
Added By Stuart on 02-12-2009
Ra...ra....ra.....
Talking crap as usual.....
My son deserves better??
Hmm.....I guess your children have that already love...least they dont have to endure such a fuckwit like you eh??
Dont bother replying....I wont be reading anymore of your shite...
Added By Owl1 on 02-12-2009
Lol Stuart you really are an angry man sometimes. I am not sure what causes you to sink into petty insults so readily or why you are still so bitter.
I feel very secure in my relationship with my children Stuart and my place in there lives and mine in their. I don't have a need to secretly hope that they get pissed off with their other parent to make me feel better about that.
Added By Stuart on 03-12-2009
Err...you started the insults Owl....not me....
Not that it has anything to do with you whatsoever, but I dont feel bitter at all towards anyone - not even you.
I lead a very fulfilling life with a wonderful person and my son.
Added By Owl1 on 03-12-2009
No Stuart I said you expressed an angry emotion. Anyone reading your first post on this thread can tell you are angry at your ex and bitter about what you have experienced from her.
Thats not a criticism just an observation. Its not an insult either just an observation.
Added By Stuart on 03-12-2009
Oh I see....my mistake was it? lol
So, calling me bitter wasnt an insult - just an observation?
Like calling an obese person fat? Not an insult - an observation?
You are talking crap again....
Oh, that wasnt an insult - just an observation.....
LOL
Added By Owl1 on 03-12-2009
Stuart what's eating you at the moment? You are really hot under the collar. I hope all is well in your world.
I didn't actually call you bitter Stuart if you go back and read, but whats wrong with feeling bitter at how you have been treated?
Its you that is putting the negative spin on it. I can see I touched a nerve, I'll leave you to reflect on why you are sensitive about it.
For the record Stuart I have not once felt insulted by you on this thread, although you may mean to insult. I just see it all as one of those angry outbursts you have from time to time. At least you have not reverted to cluck cluck clucking and referring to chooks.
Added By Stuart on 03-12-2009
Owl, I came here to respond to Jools and all I got was you telling Jools that I am "locked into bitterness and express angry emotions".
I dont know what that had to do with the thread and how you came to the conclusion from my response that I was either of these things.
However you try to flower it up Owl, you personally attacked me which was totally unnacceptable.
Your last thread is just patronising.....
Added By Owl1 on 03-12-2009
Stuart you did express angry emotions. Read your posting. Jools can go to that place too and denigrate and blame his child's mother. It probably won't help him to feel better about the situation, nor help his despair, in fact it may just accentuate it right now.
Sorry if you find my post above patronising Stuart but I honestly do not feel insulted by your outbursts. If you want to take out your inner anger on me thats fine. You get to release it and don't hurt anyone in the process.
Added By Stuart on 04-12-2009
Frankly Owl I couldnt give a hoot whether you are insulted or not by what I say.
Err, as a matter of interest, if Jools ex isnt to blame for the current situation regarding his daughter then who the hell is??
Added By Owl1 on 04-12-2009
What situation regarding Jools's daughter Stuart?
By all accounts Jool's daughter sounds like a happy contented nearly 4 year old who enjoys the company of both her parents as well as her mother's np and probably Jool's np as well although jools doesn't state that).
Its Jools that is not coping and asking for help on how to cope.
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