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Subject: God it happens everywhere
Posted By Kat007 on 08-12-2009
Just had a call from my sister who is in tears her and husband have been having probs she kept it quiet and just informed me they had a massive row tonight he has stormed out she said she doesn't love him anymore and wants out. I got the idea things weren't right but not to this extent. I feel like I've been really selfish by not seeing what was happening with my own sister and brother-in-law.
They have been together for 30yrs and this is awful for them both, I don't know what to do, she said she just needs to clear her head and get the house on the market, but I did say she first needs to sit down when things are calmer and discuss the house how they split the equity which as they both work should be an easy thing to do. The kids aren't a problem as one already left 26yrs and the other is 25 so not an issue.
This is horrible can't believe this is happening and I feel so helpless as still going through my own crap.
But i will support them both and listen to them when they need me as they did for me. Sorry just had to express myself. :( Sad day again.
Follow up comments
Added By obiwan_kenobi_again on 08-12-2009
oh... your... god!!!
30 years...
sorry kat...
Added By EnglishRose on 09-12-2009
First of all she needs to be told it's not her house to sell. Her husband may want to buy her out. She can't just put the house on the market.
Added By Kat007 on 09-12-2009
Yeah she knows that ER as in joint names. He can not afford to buy her out and he wouldn't want too there is over £300k equity in the property so enough to split and rehouse. Mortgage only has another 6yrs to run so as I said if they sit and calmly talk about the practical side of things it hopefully would not get too messy. Emotions as you can imagine are still very high and other family members are shouting at her down the phone which isn't helpful at all.
We have spoken today and I explained a few things for her and she now has a clearer idea of the right and wrong way to deal with stuff. I feel for them both so much upset today but they both need to clear their heads before any discussions take place.
Shoulder to cry on and support for them both needed not anger and aggression.
Added By Stuart on 10-12-2009
No chance that this is all a bit of a storm in a teacup?
He stormed out? She no longer loves him and wants out?
Surely 30yrs of marriage is worth working on to try and save or am I just being romantic?
The thing is Kat, because she is your sister its only natural for you to lend an ear but the danger is its not a very balanced ear especially when its attached to someone who herself has / is going through so much crap.
I would really be encouraging counselling - not on legal rights.....
All so sad..
Added By Stuart on 10-12-2009
Oh...just re-read my post...
I wasnt implying that you are unbalanced....just perhaps a little too close to the woods to see the trees...x
Added By Kat007 on 10-12-2009
Hi stuart,
Bloody cheek unbalanced lol I knew what you meant. And understand where your coming from, Problems for them have been going on for at least 10yrs she has tried to speak with him in tha past done counselling etc worked for a while but then straight back to usual abusive ways he just buries head in sand and bottle.
I think it has got to the point that she has had enough and can not carry on being treated like a doormat. Not being able to have friends and just family, she works and he didn't like there were men in the office and she never in the 16yrs of working for the same company been allowed to go to any functions. Very controlling nature unfortunately. I feel for both of them Her because she didn't taken this lightly and him because he didn't want to see what was happening in his marriage. Such a shame.
So I do keep my distance but will give her contructive advice one being try and keep communication channels open an amicable.
Added By Suvla1915 on 10-12-2009
Tell her the reality of life on your own and about the loneliness of the solitary hot chocolate at midnight.
How she will have to read self-help books in order to convince herself that she quite likes it on her own really.
How she will have to throw away so many of her happy memories, hand her marriage certificate over to be shredded and burn the old love letters kept tied up with a ribbon for thirty years.
In the past two years I have shared the benefit of the reailty with several friends facing a crisis in their marriage - one told her husband they were heading for divorce and they needed to do more together, since when they have grown much closer, another listened intently and signed up with Relate, another ran away for the weekend and after I had interpreted the meaning of her husband's "accidental" texts went happliy off home, and another heeded my advice about considering what had drawn them together in the first place and rediscovered their love. Off she trotted home!
I am so glad to have been able to provide this valuable public service with my grim warnings of "you too could end up like me."
I would tell her to think very very seriously - I for one would give up the office party for a faithful husband. Alternatively, she too could tell him what she is considering and that if he wants her to stay then there have to be new ground rules. I would try anything, wouldn't you?
Added By why? on 10-12-2009
hi kat.
yes its happening everywhere. people were surprised when i told them h and i were splitting up.not people in my family or close friends of course, they could see for themselves that it was not good but acquaintances and people we knew in our village and through children etc.
people were in fact quite taken aback. i think we all from time to time forget that many others are going through the same or have been or are about to. i was chatting to a couple at school and the husband started asking me to tell h he was grateful for coaching of rugby etc. this was many months after we had split and it was embarrassing so i had to tell them we had split many months back. they had no idea. however, the following week the wife was on her own and she told me that they had split up and he was living elsewhere. i was surprised as they seemed happy and there was me feeling awkward about having to tell them about us!
Added By EnglishRose on 12-12-2009
Well my parents stuck it out until they died in total acrimony and it was not the right thing to do. They should have parted in their 60s if not earlier and woudl have been a lot happier and plenty of single older people are very happy alone. But I certainly agree with trying to patch it up.
Added By Kat007 on 14-12-2009
Well seems he is back and that they may give it another try just don't think her heart is in it anymore, such a shame but we'll see.
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