ONDIVORCE GENERAL AND CONTACT MESSAGEBOARD
[ADD YOUR COMMENTS] [LIST ALL SUBJECTS]
Subject: Can anyone please advise?
Posted By mamamel on 11-12-2009
My boyfriend is currently going through divorce proceedings. He has 2 children aged 4 and 8 with his ex wife to be and is finding things difficult with regards to the access with his children.
Prior to his ex wife to be knowing that he was dating someone, she was quite happy with daily access to his children. He works shift work and when he was on lates, he would pick up the kids and take them to school every day, if he was on earlies, he would pick up the kids and have them for a few hours every day until Mum came home from work. He also used to have them every sunday.
Now since his ex has found out, she's said that she only wants him to have the kids every sunday and the daily access has stopped. They've worked out a routine whereby he's reasonably happy with access, obviously he'd like more but with his job it's difficult.
Sorry, I digress the problem is now since the daily contact has been cut the children are more reluctant to go with him. He knows for a fact that his ex is not exactly making it easy for the kids to see him, sometimes she'll mention a treat just before him visiting or she'll have his youngest son in his pj's when he picks them up at 5.30p.m. He then equates pj's with bedtime and bedtime with twiddling with his mum's hair so he's reluctant to go. But when he does go, by the time he's in the car he's perfectly happy. He's just had a text from his ex saying his daughter who's 8 has just said she doesn't want to stay with him tomorrow night, which will probably mean his 3yo son won't either and he's very upset.
Now I'm wondering what steps my boyfriend can take to try stop this from happening?? He's feeling extremely guilty about "forcing" contact with the kids, yet I'm thinking that you can't let children dictate access. I realise it's a very fine balancing act here and would really appreciate a few pointers from more experienced members of the board.
Many, many thanks
Follow up comments
Added By Stuart on 12-12-2009
Hi,
Sad to say that these sort of games are common...they do get better but it does tend to all take time.
Its unlikely that any court is going to order the daily contact as you described.
The usual or standard contact is alternate weekends (Friday night through to Sun / Mon), a mid week stay every week and half school hols.
Xmas is usually alternated too.
Of course being a shift worker does provide problems so I would advise him to sit down and work out a schedule for reasonable contact (daily contact is unlikely to be seen as reasonable Im afraid) and then present this to the ex.
If she agrees then great, if she doesnt then its off to court....
Added By obiwan_kenobi_again on 12-12-2009
funny- i have a feeling of deja-vue ...
shifts present problems- i used to work them- its really hard... good luck!
Added By EnglishRose on 12-12-2009
The trouble is as soon as you turn to the courts it usually means less contact or even none ever so it's not as simple as it ought to be. If the daughter is 8 and doesn't awnt to go - tough. My children often don't want to do things. I think it's jolly good for them to do things they don't want. They might not want to go to school but they have to and parents make them. You can even pick up an 8 year old and plonk it in a car. Just get him to tell the mother - well she'll enjoy it when she's there.
Once children are 13 + they get more of a say and if court action and acrimony over contact has happened between 8 and 13 they might well choose never to see him or they might if thuings have gone well choose to live with him all the time. So how he deals with the situation now mattesr a lot.
Who looks after them after school when the mother works now? Is she paying for after school childcare as many of us do who work full time and our ex chooses virtually never to see the children
Added By obiwan_kenobi_again on 12-12-2009
ER is sooo right...
if you can- make as many compromises as you feel you can stand, dont use other actions (finance esp) to force home your wishes...
ER is totally correct re the war- if it happens its going to be hell... kids upset- anger frustration- more than most people can handle...
TRY to sort it out- use 3rd party agency to stop the war... for your kids..
Added By mamamel on 13-12-2009
Thank you for your replies, I myself would take the stance of English Rose and I think he's feeling this is the only way too.
No the mum works in a nursery herself so the youngest doesn't need childcare.
He has the children at the moment and when he asked her daughter how last night went and what she did (this was the night he was meant to have them and she didn't want to go). She said her mum had said she wasn't to tell him what they did instead of seeing him. :-(((
When he asked to speak to his daughter on Thursday, the ex said no, she didn't want to talk to him.
I don't know what to think of it all, it seems like a dirty tricks campaign and I hate to see him so upset about it. He's a wonderful father.
But thank you for you help and if you have any more advice then I'd be extremely grateful.
Added By EnglishRose on 15-12-2009
He's still going through divorce proceedings (I try to avoid men who are as they get so involved in it all) - steer well clear. So things won't be very settled but they will once it's over and all sorted out. My 8 yar olds had internet access at school by that age and were bright enough to use it so I doubt there would be any way children that age really can be cut off from all contact very easily these days although some children are more maleable to the will of ap arent than others. If I suggest something mine are then likely to disagree. There seem to be loads of chidlren around who just agree with their mothers all the time.
He should just keep up contact, try to ensure he has them for reasonable periods in the holidays, perhaps book them a reasonably nice summer holiday they can look forward to etc.
| 
