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Subject: I am absolutely devastated
Posted By Kat007 on 03-01-2010
I have just found out that man who for 10 months last year kept telling me he loves me wanted to start an affair and told me that he was unhappy and not sure about his relationship with np. And kept on and on trying to get in my knickers.
You know the one who keeps taking me back to court for silly reasons.
Well I found out from a friend via facebook he got engaged over the new year holiday. I wondered why both the kids were subdued and unsure of me when they got home. Now I know. He didnt even has an ounce of decency in his body to tell me himself. I am so upset I do still love him but this just reinforces why I don't like him as a human being no thought for anyone but himself. I can't let my kids see me cry I am so upset again.
All those old feelings dragged back up of loss and hurt when will it all end.
Follow up comments
Added By LazyLizzie on 03-01-2010
Kat, I can see your point and understand you being upset. But I can also see his point of view. He tried to get a relationship back with you, got nowhere and so moved on. You (in his eyes) weren't interested with him, so he feels its not your concern what he does going forwards.
Personally, I would have thought it would be better if he had told you for himself because it would make it easier for the chidren, but men don't think like women and he probably never even considered telling you as being the right thing to do.
As to when will it all end? Well I guess it will end when either you tell him you love him and want to try again
or you accept that it will never work with him and that you have to move on and stop thinking about him as being in any kind of relationship with you - ie as if he was a stranger. Only when you accept that he needs to have no consideration for you or your feelings, when he loses the power to hurt you will it all end.
Added By Kat007 on 03-01-2010
Thanks LL,
I did tell him I love him on many occassions and he knew that and that he loved me more than ever, but he was not prepared to give up her money which was the realisation that I could not put myself through trying again with him, and the fact that he was be a sod to me regarding money court and the kids. He had all of me once and I was back on track. I do know that his np had told him he is not to contact me ever again unless regarding the children or through my solicitor and that is how it has been for the last two months.
I also find it weird that he has been taking her to all the places we used to go and buying her the same sort of things he used to buy me and he even proposed in the same place as well, next it will be getting married on our old anniversary which will be a killer, my friend who has known us all our married lives has said it is almost like he is reliving your life with him again, hmm that I find really strange.
As you say it will end when he gives up being an arse to me and I get what your saying about consideration for me but I was concerned that he has told the kids and said not to say anything and they have felt very uncomfortable today. My D has locked her bedroom door, I do keep checking on her.
Oh well lets see if he tells me himself another day, the kids know I know now as didn't think it was fair not to tell them I knew.
Added By Teadrinker on 03-01-2010
I'm so sorry, Kat.
His behaviour sounds weird. Who would want to marry a man who repeated the things he'd done with his previous wife? I was told that my ex planned to honeymoon in his relative's timeshare flat, which we'd stayed in several times, but then he did something else, so perhaps she realised...
When my ex got engaged, my ex-SIL rang me and said she had something to tell me. I immediately thought ex's partner was pregnant and it was a relief when she said instead that they were engaged. None of it was as bad as I feared in the end. He remarried the next year and I got through it and it was OK. It didn't have much effect on our son, who enjoyed doing the photography for the wedding but was bored apart from that. He still says she isn't part of his family and his relationship with his dad has become more and more detached as his dad doesn't bother with him and often lets him down. Their getting married doesn't seem to have affected anything really.
As for him not telling you himself, I think some people think when you're the ex it's none of your business, but I think it affects the kids therefore it affects us.
Added By obiwan_kenobi_again on 04-01-2010
forget him... he's not worth the tears... dickhead.
Added By Kat007 on 04-01-2010
I have woken up today to swollen eyes Lovely.
My daughter asked if I was ok I just said not to worry about me but if you want to talk I am here and it is ok to discuss. I have to be strong because of them wee one has said he doesn't want them to get married this morning but he will change his mind by tonight I expect, poor kids was not happy that he had to keep a secret from me.
Oh well in the words of Jelly onwards and upwards.
Thanks guy's, at least I know they can't have kids together phew.
Added By Suvla1915 on 04-01-2010
He says he loves you but he betrays you and hurts you and disresepcts you. You don't do things like that to some one you love. He cares mainly for himelf.
I know I would be devastated if I heard that my ex had married *that person* but I also know that their marriage wouldn't mean the same as ours did because their "til death do us part" and "forsaking all others" would be tainted with their lies.
In fact, I hope he does marry her because then he won't be free to inflict his special brand of love turned to cruelty on some one nice.
It is strange how these weak men copy the patterns of their own marriage, it's a trait I've heard of quite a lot. I suspect it's lack of imagination and shows they're not really breaking free from their past.
Leave them to their second best lives. It's not good enough for you, you deserve better.
Added By obiwan_kenobi_again on 04-01-2010
hear hear!
Added By Jellylegs on 04-01-2010
Kat - it will end only when you let it - when you allow yourself to move on away from him.
Why does his behaviour surprise you? We all like to believe the best of people, but surely enough is enough? There is no best anymore in him - you presumably had that during all the years you were together and he was a great husband and father... You're still judging him against those standards, which he abandoned long ago.
Let her have what's left and welcome - she will no doubt be asking you for divorce advice in the future...
Onwards and Upwards
Added By why? on 04-01-2010
hi kat. i understand, although for me it had nothing to dowith any feelings i had for him. ipersonally couldn't have cared less - IF we didn't have 3 young children - but we do so i did, for them and them only. h moved out and withing just 2 weeks met someone else who he wanted tointroduce children to 6weeks after moving out. then he said she would be moving in just a week or two later! then a week or two after that, told me it had ended. then met someone else who he slept with with youngest daughter in same bed. then within a couple of weeks my then 6 year old then told me her daddy was getting married again and she would have 2 mums. it wasn't even to the lady the children had spent time with but a complete stranger thay met only once and were told on that first introduction.
after just 3 months into their reationship she got pregnant which id already guessed and he told me by text but despite him saying he wanted to tell children, id already guessed by comments that had come from the children! its a pattern. he simply moves on immediately searching for the next family and i do not envy the girl in the sightest. she is 22 years younger than him and i have no jealousy what so ever. i feel sorry for her. genuinely sorry for her. she seems a genuinely kind, caring, lovely sincere girl who the children speak fondly off and for me that means the world.id like knowing that there is another female figure in his house for them as i believe it alters his behaviour around them and id be worried for the children if they broke up because if h believes that he has moved on then the children will be happy. if it doesnt work out for him, it may rub off on them.
all in all, he has within just 1 year, left, met someone else he is about to marry and due a baby in march. this will be child number 6 as he has 2 grown up from first marriage and 3 with me. his behaviour is always bizarre and totally predictable and what he spend his time doing with her is exactly as he was with me when we met, no different.
dont be upset kat. i have the benefit of a recording on my mobile of h and np having argument which felt like it was me in that room. he spoke to her no differently than he did me and i actually felt sad for her because she seems really lovely if a little fragile. you ex and his np have an awaful relationship. you know that better than his np does because it was you he turned to telling you his np wasn't what he was looking for. heis selfish and this is all about his needs alone. not yours and not your children. try not to let them see you upset. try to act indifferent. for me that was easy although i spent every minute thinking about how wrongly he handled or didnt handle this with the children. my children are young and thats the only reason he is getting away with his behaviour but i now realise stuff he is now doing to me he was doing to his ex wife before me.
ive been where his np is now. i have that advantage. neither his ex nor his np have that. ive been on both sides of the fence. i, like his np just didn't realise and neither will your ex's np. its a repetitive circle and his old habits will never be old. he will do the same to his np one day and she will then make sense of how he treats you now. its only on divorce that when things add up and you make sense of events at the time that you couldn't make sense of then that you realise. i am confident that my h's marriage wont work out and thats nobies fault but his.
pick yourself up and look after you.
Added By Kat007 on 05-01-2010
He has already done it to his new partner a couple of times, I was told and asked him and he said yes another reason for not rekindling our relationship, leopard and spots hmm.
She knows about one of them but I am better now and do not feel so devastated only too 24hrs to get over that. I just worry because the kids were told not to say anything to me which was unfair on them as they were so withdrawn when they got back and are usually full of stories and complaints about her and her kids Ijust sit and let them vent. And advise them to try and be nice and hopefully oneday all will settle down but it's been nearly 3yrs years now and things for them haven't settled because the ex won't let it.
I know that youngest knows we are back in court soon about custody and I have tried to talk to him to make sure he is heard but he said dad and np said I can't talk to you, this was during the school hols so then the poor kids developed tummy ache which he gets whenever he returns home because he wants to talk and has been told he can't, I say he can but he say's I'm not allowed to dad and np said. How awful no wonder he feels ill with worry.
Anyway I have ER stats on my side that 60% of 2nd marriages fail and will his new wife ask me for divorce advice NO she was the one giving him bum advice through ours and then he wondered why he didn't get far.
I actually would love his marriage to fail horrible I know and I shouldn't think it but I am. Maybe this is my pent up anger finally making an appearance after all this time.
Time for me to climb that ladder to the top and make the leap of faith to my freedom (after the next hearing of course) which I will be asking questions on in the next few days so keep your eyes peeled and help coming xxx
Added By why? on 06-01-2010
hi kat. with regard your son. although you tell him he can talk and he says he cant because his dad and np said he couldn't, - why dont you tell him and promise that he can tell and discuss anything he wants with you and that you will keep it confidential, between the two of you or between all of you within your household only. i dont recommend that you say you wont tell his dad or np as such because that sounds like you are doing the same to him as his dad and np but by telling him it will remain confidential between you he gets the same message. you could even turn it round by asking your son what would worry him about telling you. if he said its because he worries it would get back to his dad or np then thats your opportunity to lay it straight and just say you wont share any conversations with them. i do this now with my children.
Added By Kat007 on 08-01-2010
Cheers why?
I have told them all they can talk to me about anything at anytime and when they are ready, that is all i can do. Son got back yesterday all withdrawn again just gave him a hug and repeated myself.
As said ladder ready to climb, I know i will get to the top quicker as I haven't got a control freak dragging me down unlike him lol. xx
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