ONDIVORCE GENERAL AND CONTACT MESSAGEBOARD
[ADD YOUR COMMENTS] [LIST ALL SUBJECTS]
Subject: Nasty Nasty person Some people need to get help lol
Posted By Kat007 on 18-01-2010
So here I am thinking about how a person can change so much and treat the person they once professed to love with such hate and animosity towards them. I just don't get it. Is it because I haven't fallen apart without him, have been through illness and not once asked for his support or shown that hangon I really don't need a man to be me, because I am my own person and I love me. MAYBE. This is what happened....
I had to email ex about an appointment for one of our kids I had to ask ex to remind child that I will be meeting them at such a time and could ex remind this child to pack there stuff ready for the weekend to save us having to keep driving around to collect things as we were both really busy last weekend that was all. I was very polite as always used ex's name at the begining and used thank you at the end. Nothing mallicious about my email simple clear and to the point and only about our child.
To my surprise and utter dismay I recieved what ended up being a two page A4 email back with abuse, rudeness, and complete lies about myself. it was disgusting really. obviously after a 2nd read and picking apart exactly what he appeared to need to get off his chest it became clear that, it wasn't about me being such a bad mother or uncaring person or about how I was such a bad wife(that was funny to read) and that I keep causing problems between him and his Partner and making his life hell. hmm
It was about the ex venting his anger for problems happening at his house with his soon to be new wife and her kids and that he can't handle much more of it so can I leave him the F*** alone and not contact him at all. He isn't used to dealing with stuff that is going on at his and has got angry and aggressive(phew I'm well rid) so to clear a few points up I e-mailed back to him with some very to the point questions and observations. I had to do this via his very private e-mail that his finance(sorry fiance) cannot get access because she doesn't know he has it, yet another secret. To my surprise I was told that he hadn't even e-mailed me.
So I read it again for a 3rd time and compared it to a couple of other not very polite emails he has written before and now I have doubts whether he did write it or not. Trouble is I can't trust either one of them so haven't answered his e-mail again printed and filed it and will show CAFCASS when I see them so they can see the huge brick wall I am trying to help my children climb over to have a happy relationship with their father. I will also inform CAFCASS because he won't that the local authority are involved again with her children for the 4th time in 3years because of allegations both her kids have bought against ex and their mother. Astounded by that one.
Obviously either one of them or both have nothing better to do but create problems and animosity where there doesn't need to be any. Is this a case of an angry Mr Kat or is it a case of a jelous, angry, misguided women who is not happy in the relationship she has now she knows that he is a serial cheater or is worried that he will do to her again what he did to me when they are married or could it be that she will never be the first mrs kat and not have his children(snip snip)as she has a chip on that shoulder about that and told my oldest that maybe your mother should change back to her maiden name when your dad and I get married some issues she needs some help with obviously.
Oh not once did I mention him getting married because it doesn't bother me anymore it only lasted 24hrs hoorah good luck to them they will need it.
Follow up comments
Added By obiwan_kenobi_again on 18-01-2010
why?
3.5 million years ago man apes were at the edge of extinction... then something happened to change our diet... noone knows why - but we started to eat more meat, we switched from the gathering lifestyle to the predator...
and we became the most dangerous predator this old world has ever seen...
we stayed in that mold until 20,000 years ago (a twinkle in the eye of the cosmic timeline) and then we became all cilivilised...
however...
when scratched- that surface coating of civilisation vanishes in an instant!
thats why kat...
oh and he is an arse too...
Added By Owl1 on 18-01-2010
"Is this a case of an angry Mr Kat or is it a case of a jelous, angry, misguided women who is not happy in the relationship she has now she knows that he is a serial cheater or is worried that he will do to her again what he did to me when they are married or could it be that she will never be the first mrs kat and not have his children(snip snip)as she has a chip on that shoulder about that and told my oldest that maybe your mother should change back to her maiden name when your dad and I get married some issues she needs some help with obviously. "
Kat it shouldn't concern you in the slightest what it is or who wrote the email.
Why oh why are your continuing to email this man in the first place? Your son and daughter are 12 and 16 right? Surely you could have sent them a text directly reminding them about the appointment. If they don't turn up it will not be the end of the world.
Your ex will react to you continuing trying to organise what he has to do with the children. You may see it as being helpful, he will see it as interfering.
Butt out. But most of all take responsibility for looking after yourself better than you are. You don't need to put yourself in the firing line for his abuse. For the umpteenth time STOP ALL CONTACT with him UNLESS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. And that first email you sent was just not necessary.
I wouldn't trouble yourself showing the exchange of emails to the CAFCASS officer either. They won't help. You don't have to climb over any brick wall to allow your children to have a happy relationship with their father. You just have to leave them to get on with contact on their terms free from interference from you.
I don't mean the above to sound harsh but I do think you need to take a step back from this and focus on your own life not your ex's and his fiance's. They are engaged and getting married end of. Thats all you need to know.
So no more emails about non important things????
Added By Jools123 on 18-01-2010
Oh Kat - his relationship is toxic.
He has no backbone, is not happy and neither is she. She cant trust him, he cant focus on whats right and whats wrong and is being led by her.
Keep all the evidence and present it at your next opportunity.
Rise above them and put it down to their misery!!!
I suspect he hasn't moved on, and is clinging onto a relationship because he doesn't know how to be without one (I once felt like that - not now thankfully). Private email FFS, her reading his emails FFS - he needs to man up!
Stick with what you're doing!!! :-)
Added By Nancy on 18-01-2010
I very rarely post nowadays, but do pop in from time to time to see what is happening to old and new. Kat, have followed your story, if you would allow me to give you a little advice - this is my take on it, your ex and his fiancee don't seem to be a happy twosome, however they have one thing that binds them together, that is their "irritation" with you. Perhaps if you were to do what Owl suggests and disengage, no emails, no texts, telephone calls etc. Let them get on with it. Be happy.
Added By rassman on 18-01-2010
yeh, i dont understand why people turn so evil, my wife said she couldnt live without me, 4 months downline, she is with another man in our house and saying such nasty things against me and my parents, mind you she does have bi-polar
Added By Kat007 on 18-01-2010
Owl,
Harsh no not at all, not compared to what I'm used too. I get what your saying no contact, I would like to say that I didn't ask him to organise his time with the kids but asked if he could remind child about appointment as I had text child twice with no response. And we couldn't miss this appointment as had waited for 5 weeks to seee someone.
I have as per court order to inform ex of any appointments for docs, dentist, hospital, school etc and I have to ask he wants to go to appointments with us or take the kids himself or take turns, I have to email on a weekly basis regarding contact as he asked for this last time in court due to his job. I have to as per court order inform him of any injuries, A&E visits etc I have to abide by this order. I tried not too once by not e-mailing and the no contact rule but never again he came down on me like a ton of bricks because I didn't inform him that children had been to doctors etc.
And yeah I don't care about the marriage, or if he's happy and all his secrets he keeps I just think it's hillarious.
She wants me out the area she has done things to cause trouble. But I am not going to let that happen. I ignore her remarks she makes and the stirring she does with people I know and with my kids, but when the kids speak about her whether nice or not I respond in a pleasent manner and ask them to be ploite to her. I just don't care about either of them.
My life is my life with my kids, just would like to be able to adhere to the court order without all the C**P for just asking(letting him know). Oh and I don't interfere in their relationship not my bag and wouldn't anyway just sit back and laugh. And if I irritate her thats her problem not mine, she needs to concentrate on her life.
Most of the order was recommendations by the Judge because to which we agreed to abide by it. But hopefully that can change soon when he takes me back to court for the first directions hearing again. And I can have no contact.
I was however just really observing how someone can change so much towards the person they once loved I suppose I was curious to see if everyone else's ex's behave the same way. But it doesn't really matter so will continue to build my life with my children.
Added By Jellylegs on 18-01-2010
Kat
Out of the blue, 18m after he left, I had a similar thing, only in a letter. It was after Xmas. I had sent him that book about 2 middle aged men going round the world on their motorbikes, suggesting that he read it, take some time and do it, then if he still felt the same on return we could sort things amicably... I offered to keep things going for him, even said I'd help him apply for leave of absence...
Of course he didn't, he never was the adventurous type, but it was one of my many fruitless attempts to sort things out away from courts.
Anyway, I returned home one day to find the book and a long letter from him, listing all my faults in detail, how it was all my fault, how my family were horrible etc etc. Strangely, I read it just the once, then, as I stood in the porch I chucked both book and letter straight in the recycling bin, and never even glanced at it again.
It helped me realise the measure of the man he had become.
Onwards and Upwards
Added By Kat007 on 19-01-2010
Hi Jelly,
Good to hear from you, and aren't some men not all just awful. Love the way it's never their fault and I am talking about everything in general.
I just want to be left to get on with our lives, no nastiness on his part and no more hassle with court, I spoke with a counsellor the other day as felt I need to get things in perspective for myself, she suggested I write down what I thought went wrong in our relationship I wrote this.
1. not enough time being couple
2. being a single parent although married
3. Ex spending nights away with work 2-3 a week so lack of physical contact
4. my OCD (now cured two weeks after he left funny that)
5. Not being able to be the person he married due to his controlling
6. Low selfesteem
7. never wanting to rock the boat and gave in all the time.
I looked at this list and thought to myself thank god I am not that person anymore and thank god I can be me and I love myself now I feel like I am the women I was when I was in my 20's. My own person and a mum my kids adore and love.
I then had to write somethings I felt he may have caused our marriage to go wrong
1. untidy(OCD thing)
2. controlling
3 narcissistic
4. workaholic
5. obsessed with money
6. bad spending habit
7. always wanting to give the impression of better than others(narsacist)
8. Lack of commitment to family life
9. Controlling
10. forgetting he had a wife.
11. Lack of physical contact (that changed after he left)
12. Not talking or listening to me or the children
there was more, I researched my faults and came up with a person who was not entirely happy but could work on her selfesteem (and she did) and be the person she wants to be which I am.
Ex's results, He shows all the signs of a narcisist only cares about himself, give the impression of caring for other whilst holding the knife to their backs ready to stab them in it. And his total lack of seeing his behaviour affects others around him Narcisist simple. This is how he still is now so phew I got a lucky escape.
Glad he's gone and someone else can deal with his character, would have hoped he would have been more grown up about things and can't wait for a time when we can atleast be civil to each other although I always I am but doubt that will happen.
So court this week sort another hearing out and hopefully that will be the last of it. Let me have my life fgs.
Added By obiwan_kenobi_again on 19-01-2010
kat (though it PAINS me to say this...) owl has a point...
why contact such a poisonous dope?
let your (almost ;-)) grown up kids sort out their contact... they sound great kids...
cut yourself off from this spanner...
Added By obiwan_kenobi_again on 19-01-2010
hi owl! return of the jedi...
what have you been up to?
Added By Kat007 on 21-01-2010
Ok knackered now, it's 00.16am and need to sleep I have had to sit here all evening and prepare a statement for today marvellous. However it is good and think the judge will hopefully throw the application out of court. So I will update soon after I have got my head around things. Night all xxxx
Added By sometimesitdoesn'twork on 21-01-2010
Good Luck!
Added By Kat007 on 22-01-2010
Well that was fun, ex asked usher if his GF(finance) could come into court she asked me and I said noway closed court. Ok Judge not best pleased to see ex back in court and asked him why and he explained, he lied and lied and lied how I am such a bad mother and listing my faults which I don't have any on his list lol. Judge read my statement and asked how I felt about things I explained not a problem with ex but his actions to control how I spend contact with our child and ex keep making arrangements on our contact time causing arguments and tension between me and child.
Cafcass have said they can not see any reasons to change childs base and that ex's insistance that child is in danger at risk of harm by the mother is not true, she however has asked that we both go to parenting classes because she felt the ex needed to understand that parenting a child is not to throw money at them she suggested I go as well so I can see what the ex is going to be doing and the tools will help me understand his actions. She is also doing a report but this will take upto 6 weeks.
I came home son came back after seeing his Dad yet again on our contact time and my god he was really moody he wouldn't talk and this morning he was so stressed I tried to talk to him and he said his dad told him he is not allowed to discuss anything with me anymore. OMG how wrong this is emotional abuse big time. Which after CAFCASS ready his statement they said they can see what he is upto but must consider what child says to them so we start again and court in 3months lovely.
Added By why? on 23-01-2010
kat.
you really have a horrid ex.the similarities between your ex and mine are incredible. h is not omnly narcissistic but also a compulsive liar. a true compulsive liar though.a man who can 'invent' lies out of absolutely nothing. too bizarre for anyone who has not experienced this to understand or even 'believe'. ie: no smoke without fire and all that. ok, on this occassion there was some smoke from you in that you did contact him and although i and any normal reasonable rational person would not class it as smoke, he does and it would be a 'reason' non the less. but i do understand, because my h has absolutely no smoke what so ever, his lies are invented and the ones that could have some basis (in his head) are twisted and exaggerated at best. they are also deeply unpleasant and vile and ugly and i am confident that his gf, if she knew what he was capable of, would not, and i stress this, would not be marrying him.
your circumstances are different with your ex's gf in that she clearly is as ugly and involved as he is in your differences. my h's gf is from what i can tell, a very decent, nice, kind natured and family orientated girl and this is why i know she would not be preganant to him and planning to get married. i also know that she will be unhappy and although she will never know the true extent of his capabilities, she will see and hear enough throughout their years together toknow that he is not the type of man she wants to be with for the rest of her life.
it would appear that your ex will use ANY communication from you as an excuse to argue and upset you. its his reaction to you, whether justified or not. h is a mix in this respect. if there is something he is after, the messages are welcome and his over friendly replies and enquiries are not necessary which i find annoying. i think its important to communicate with regard the children and get important information to the other party but i do not feel it necessary to continue the 'nice warm friendly messages' as if all that he was doing to myself and my family right now was not happening. h is a game player and i am not and thats the difference between us. i have instances where h will send me a text and i will reply.
yesterday h contacted me by text asking me if i could be amicable in order to stopme losing the house. it was a fake attempt at friendliness accompanied with a subtle threat. i dont take part in any of this. hge happened to send this text within minutes of me reading his witness statement for a court hearing whwreby he is taking my sister in law to court over an alleged debt which is full of 'invented' lies.i can't disprove those lies because they are invented but equally he cant prove them and other lies i can disprove and thats how i work.
it appeared as though he was blackmailing me but i dont mix our divorce with his other allegations. they are two separate matters to me and so when he asked if i would be amicable i was a little confused because i never contact h about divorce or finance, ever. all the animosity has been on his part. he then had the cheek to tell me not to contact him again about this matter as he did not want to communicate with me and i was going to lose the house. i never contacted him. it was he who contacted me yet he writes as if he belives what he writes.
he even tries to make himself sound and feel like a better person by adding in his statement that he wishes the recovered 'loan' to be divided between our children and put in their accounts. he sees nothing wrong in using the children in this way. he sees nothing wrong in putting 'dirty' money into our childrens account gained through the mistreatment of their family.
you like i, can not beat or win against people like this because to do so would make you like them with the same capabilities. try not to think about his relationship with his new gf or their plans. try not to ask questions. just let children have their own relationship and have some understanding with your children that they are expected to look at their phone every day periodically for messages from you and that you expect a reply so that you dont have to contact their dad.
dont laugh behind the back of your ex and his gf's relationship becauae you know it is not healthy. thats for them. dont let them blame you for that. its their mess and you need a new life, like us all. good luck kat.
|
