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Subject: Years after parents' divorce
Posted By sophiec83 on 26-01-2010
Sorry this is so long but I think people need some background to understand where I'm coming from...
Six years ago my father left my mum for another woman and soon after they divorced and he remarried. He has since had another daughter with her. For some time my sisters, my mum and I were obviously devastated about what had happened and were very bitter about his actions and we didn’t want to speak to my dad or his new wife as it was too hard for us to do so. After some time had passed and I was still feeling very angry with my father, I realised how much time I had wasted feeling that way and decided that the only way forward was to speak to him and tell him how I felt. He was very understanding and we talked a lot and took on board why I felt the way I did and thankfully one of my sisters decided to do the same thing so we were able to support each other. My mum found out that my sister was in contact with him and disowned her, and they haven’t spoken for over three years; I didn’t have to courage to tell my mum what I was doing as I was scared the same thing would happen to me. Anyway, I have since had counselling and I get on very well with my dad and even speak occasionally to his new wife and my half sister (they live in Gran Canaria so it’s not as easy as popping down the road to see them) and I’ve decided that I want to be more involved in my father’s life. I have got over my anger and my dad isn’t getting any younger so I wanted to make the most of the time we have after spending so much time refusing to speak to him.
I stayed with my mum at Christmas and she asked me if I was in contact with him and we had an argument about it, with her telling me that by wanting to see him and speaking to him was being disloyal to her; I disputed this and said that I wasn’t choosing between them but want both of them in my life. Then about a week after Christmas she called me to ask if I would ever consider seeing “that woman” (my step-mother) and “that child” (my half sister), I said yes I would see them as they are now part of my dad’s life, I asked he why she was so concerned and her answer was that she was sorting out her will and needed to know why my loyalties lie before making any decisions.
I feel like I’m in a really difficult situation because I love both of my parents and am very proud about the progress I have made by being able to forgive my dad and move on where my mum and most of my sisters have been unable to. My mum has now started sending me negative messages about my dad using all sorts of abusive names for him and I feel that with this and the conversation we had about her will that I’m being blackmailed. I have actually arranged to go and stay with my dad in Gran Canaria in March and when my mum finds out I’m afraid she will exclude me from the family as she has done before to my other sister. I know it sounds a bit extreme but there are other situations where she’s had arguments with members of the family and refused to speak to them until they apologise, no matter who was in the right or wrong; she has kept this silent treatment up for years at a time until they other person has finally given in for the sake of the family and keeping the peace.
I hope I don’t sound like I’m over-reacting but I feel like I’m being forced into a decision I don’t want to make and I feel is unfair to expect me to make. If anyone has experienced anything similar or has any advice whatsoever I’d be extremely grateful, thank you.
Follow up comments
Added By Stuart on 26-01-2010
Hi,
No, you are not over reacting at all and Im sorry that your mum is behaving in this manner.
Unfortunately many people hold onto their bitterness for all too long after divorce and see people close to them as either with them or against them. I fear your mum is too.
I dont really have an answer to your dilemma except to say that in your position I think I would be being untrue to both my father as well as myself for allowing someone to effectively bully me.
Thing is, your dad did a terrible thing but he left your mum - not you which is what your mother is having problems with coming to terms with.
I suggest you talk to your mum and explain to her your feelings and that you arent being disloyal.
Sadly from your post I can see that its likely to cut little ice and that you stand the chance of being excluded from the family.
Its all rather dictatorial really and very, very sad....
I wish you luck.
Added By Captain Oates on 26-01-2010
Hi sophiec83, I just wanted to say that I am in the same boat with my father and my mum in that I can't tell my Dad that I saw my Mum and her new husband (of 25 years) over Christmas.
I don't know if I have a solution, I am sorry. If you think of something please post as I don't think I should tell him the way he is and it is being harder as I see her more and more these days.
It is horrible when people force people to choose. My sister went full board with my Mum and doesn't speak to my Dad. I think this gives ammunition to me if I tell him as he would then be faced with losing us both. But I think he would back down, I am just getting the strength together. I worry that the will would then leave it all to the Cats protection or something too though and he doesn't even like cats. Some people are bitter, it is sad. I think I will not tell him for a while. Or I may ask if sister is in will before I do this year.
Added By Teadrinker on 27-01-2010
Hi Sophie.
I think you are doing the right thing in pursuing a relationship with your dad. Unfortunately you can't stop your mum being difficult about it.
I just want to add, 6 years isn't very long - it's 6 years for me too since my ex left me for another woman. I think it must be exceptionally difficult for your mum to have to deal with the fact that he is still with the woman he left her for and has a child with her. So although I disagree with the way your mum is behaving, I also sympathise with her. I'm not sure that time passing actually makes it all that much better. I mean, things don't suddenly become all right after a given time. Your mum is without the partner she had her children with and always will be and it will probably always hurt. I was "lucky" in that my ex didn't stay with the woman he left me for and hasn't had any children with his current partner (yet). But I still find the situation intolerable. I think it must take a saint to tolerate the situation when the leaver remains with the other woman/man.
Added By Jools123 on 27-01-2010
Sophie - I think its extremely sad that your mother is putting her needs before her children. I would have hoped at her age and your age she would let you do what you feel is best for you.
Some people on this site long for the time their children can decide for themselves. You're not being allowed that.
I don't know the circumstances of why your dad left for another woman. Obviously the new relationship has been a success and worked out best for your dad. Maybe he had his reasons, maybe your mum was unreasonable in their marriage as she is now being with you. Some people marry too young and as they grow together they grow apart. I'm sure he never set out to hurt your mum. After all, cutting your sister out of her life - isn't she doing worse than what your Dad did? He left your Mum for another woman, but she's leaving your sister because of a choice she is making...
If you want to see your Dad, you should. If you're Mum cant accept it then I'm sorry that should be her issue and not yours. She's being unreasonable.
I feel for you. Take Care!
Added By Suvla1915 on 27-01-2010
Jools, the reasons for his adultery are irrelevant. It is not helpful to try to suggest that the mother was somehow to blame and must have behaved unreasonably therefore she deserves the punishment of having her life ripped to shreds.
Of course he set out to hurt her and sadly, he too put his needs before his children as many mid life crisis men with older children do so it's not fair to say the mother is worse than the father!
I don't agree with the mother's actions but it is no use encouraging Sophie to turn against her mother. She is acting out of fear, insecurity and misery. Everyone always says "oh, he'll get his just deserts, what goes around comes around, it'll never last!" but in reality that's not always true and it must be bitterly distressing for her mother to see everything going his way - he gets a second chance family, he gets the joy of a new baby and new partner while she gets (presumably) loneliness and now the loyal daughters are decamping to play happy familes in the sun with the marriage wrecker. That's how she will see it and it will be another nail in her heart. Winner takes all.
Still, it is wrong and very sad when people start using their wills to manipulate affections - what's the point in punishing some one after you're dead? I wouldn't care if my parents left their money to a cat's home, it's their money to do what they like with. My father-in-law used to the "I'll cut you out of my will" thing frequently, he also used to enjoy planting resentment against his ex-wife in his sons' minds and enjoyed fallouts with their mother. It does so much damage to the next generation, and subsequently the next.
Sophie, it is a hard situation. I would have say you must stick to your guns and maintain a relationship with your father. If I was allowed to discuss my (similar) situation with my daughter, I would say to her that fathers (or any parent really) don't have to be perfect for you to love them and just because he has let her down that doesn't change the love that went before.
In your situation, I would be open and honest with your mother, tell her you are not going to creep around secretly to see him as lies would hurt her more, reassure her of your loyalty to her, tell her you don't care about her money you care more about a good relationship with *all* members of your family, reassure her that you are only tolerating the other woman so you can see your father (even if you think she is fab, don't tell your mum, she won't want to know!)
Don't just tell her, tough, your issue, you're being unreasonable, because then you may lose another part of your life and you've been through enough hurt already.
Hope everything works out well for you, your Mum and your sisters.
Added By Jools123 on 27-01-2010
Sulva - "Of course he set out to hurt her and sadly, he too put his needs before his children as many mid life crisis men with older children do so it's not fair to say the mother is worse than the father!"
I don't think he did set out to hurt anyway! He probably was unhappy and met someone else who was the catalyst for him moving. He from the sounds of it never cut his daughters out of his life.
However, Sophie has mentioned that her mum no longer speaks to her daughter for being in contact with her Dad. That's damn right unreasonable and hardly good parenting action! Sophie also mentions that her mum is unreasonable with members of her family. Is there any was to reason with someone who doesnt want to be reasoned with.
This site is about options! Sophie can decide for herself but in my opinion people don't have an affair to hurt the person they are with and definitely not their children. It may be mid-life crisis or they may be really unhappy in their current relationship but are too weak to leave on their own and need another person to be with before moving out. So her Dad was wrong in having an affair but he still deserves to have a relationship with his daughters and her mum should not try and prevent that.
Added By Suvla1915 on 27-01-2010
Well I disagree. People don't have affairs by accident. they set out to do it. They know it will hurt thier wives. they still do it. Therefore they set out to hurt their wives. It's a punishhment.
As you will see, I agree on the other point - of course she should have a relationship with her father.
Added By Teadrinker on 27-01-2010
I think people probably have affairs because they want to, not deliberately to hurt their spouse but in the knowledge that this will be one of the consequences. Jools, why on earth would you assume that someone was unhappy in their marriage and then had an affair when in reality you don't know? I'm also puzzled by your comment to Sophie that "at her age and your age she would let you do what you feel is best for you" since Sophie hasn't mentioned anyone's ages. It sounds like the children are now adults but I'm just guessing.
What puzzles me about the replies to this thread is that it left me thinking, if someone leaves their spouse for a new partner, is it all up to the person left behind to encourage a relationship with the children, get over it, move on, and so on whilst the leaver can do what they want - have a new life with a new partner, move away from their children, have more children, and apparently they don't have any responsibility. It's all up to the person left behind to behave like a saint whilst the person who leaves isn't even expected to show regret, be sorry, accept their guilt etc. And why do we expect such great sacrifice and saintly behaviour from the person left behind and criticise them if they can't manage it, whilst apparently expecting nothing at all from the person who leaves?
Added By sometimesitdoesn'twork on 27-01-2010
Harbouring resentment against a parent is unhelpful. Divorce is like a bereavement. Grief often gives rise to anger. The bereaved may feel very angry at the person who has died for leaving them and causing them such pain. They may feel unable to admit this to themselves, and instead become bitterly angry with someone else, for instance the health system, a family member, the Government or God. The divorced may feel angry at the person who left them and caused them so much pain. They may feel unable to admit this to themselves, and instead become bitterly angry with someone else, for example the legal system, their ex spouse, other family members lawyers, the Courts or a Judge. Most people come to terms with loss in time but a few get stuck. It isn't deliberate or rational and the person isn't emotionally available to others. That's not being unreasonable - it's being human.
I would suggest the way to deal with it is to assert you needs and be clear how to get them met without being hurtful. If your Mother becomes hostile ultimately it is her issue and she will need to deal with it herself.
Added By Jools123 on 28-01-2010
Ok, to address a few points.
I had an affair - it was the biggest mistake of my life and something I have to live with until the day I die! I never intentionally set out to hurt my partner. I was working away from home Mon - Fri and somebody in the office made a play for me. I was weak and I joined in, it was exciting. Within 2 months I moved out of marital home because I thought it was where I wanted to be. After 4 months I realised that it was most definitely not where I wanted to be. Getting out of bed at 2am and sitting downstairs wondering what the hell I had done and how the hell had I got myself where I was.
I have apologised ever since and begged for forgiveness, not enough I know. I repeat I never did this to hurt my ex!!! I got carried away with the attention and the newness of a relationship. I didn't see what I had and thought the grass was greener! That was 4+ years ago. Mid life crisis maybe - but at 32?
That said, I am now in a relationship of 3 years and with a partner that I am more suited too. Somebody who thinks like me, appreciates the same things as me. On reflection my ex was nothing like me and we were never suited, we got together when I was 21 and she was 18 and stayed together for 10 years, married for 4. People have since told me that we weren't suited and that we were poles apart. I still love my ex (not in a husband/wife way) but as the mother of my child, I want her to be happy and she is now in a relationship which seems to be going well. Its fair to say she despises me and we battle about contact of our daughter with lies (proved) being instigated on her part.
So where I'm coming from is that Sophie's Dad may have had an affair but that doesn't make him a bad person. It could have been an error of judgment. He could have been unhappy. It was probably the way he went about things that was wrong. The same as me!
I don't believe Sophie's mum should encourage the relationship at all. Her children seem old enough to decide for themselves and do what they want to do. But to cut off her sister is wrong - FACT! For Sophie to worry about being cut out of her mums life is wrong. Its not the childrens fault - it never is.
I know that one day I have to explain my actions to my daughter, thats not a day I look forward to. However, all I can do now is be the best Dad for my little girl, see her every time scheduled, never miss contact, fight for more access (in progress), pay, support, love and understand her and this has been the case since her birth and will always be the case! It used to be every day but is probably every few days now, I still run through my actions, my regrets and cant understand what I did, how I did it and am and will always be so sorry.
I don't know if Sophie's Dad has done this, but its never too late and Sophie should have the right to choose.
Sorry to have babbled on but this post obviously struck a chord with me, as it has obviously done to people who have been left.
Added By Owl1 on 28-01-2010
Well stated STIDW.
"Sophie can decide for herself but in my opinion people don't have an affair to hurt the person they are with and definitely not their children. It may be mid-life crisis or they may be really unhappy in their current relationship but are too weak to leave on their own and need another person to be with before moving out."
I agree with that up to a point Jools in that some people will be thoughtless enough to embark on a course of behaviour that WILL definitely cause hurt to their partner and also children without turning their mind to how it is going to effect those people. Or at least they will seek to deny that fact to themselves even though they know deep down that of course that will be the case.
But there is a point that they will know but still choose to continue. They may say they don't mean to hurt at that point but that is just clear nonsense. They are just too weak as you say. I think the saddest thing is when they don't take responsibility for the hurt they cause but seek to justify their actions by blaming the person they have hurt. That in turn just intensifies the hurt felt by the people they are continuing to hurt. Very sad.
We don't know anything of the circumstances to Sophie's parents break up or how each spouse behaved. We don't know what additional hurt her mother was put through.
We do know that Sophie is left to deal with a very sad situation as a result. Its a shame someone didn't think through some likely consequences fully when they embarked on the affair. People cope as best they can with the fallout, no humans are saints when they have been deeply hurt, they simply don't have the capacity. Often those who come through and manage to emotionally distance themselves from the person who they have been hurt by are then accused by the perpetrator of being hateful and dispassionate when they no longer take on board or express sympathy at things that go wrong in their life.
Sophie I feel for you. I agree with STIDW in that you need to assert your need to tentatively resume a relationship with your father but you may like to consider also acknowledging your mother's hurt to her.
Something along the lines of "I know this may be very hurtful Mum but I would like to take tentative steps to resume a relationship with my Dad. I don't want it to damage our relationship and I don't intend it to do so"
At the moment you are reacting defensively to your mother which will just inflame the situation.
The other thing to bear in mind is that your Mum does not have to forgive your Dad for his behaviour. She can choose to continue to state that his behaviour and treatment of her was unacceptable.
I don't forgive my ex and never will for having an affair and never will because quite frankly I value myself a lot more highly than that and its unacceptable to me for a partner or spouse to treat me like that. He does not deserve my foregiveness.
But I have moved on in that I don't feel any anger towards him at all. Being able to assertively state my own needs was not about foregiveness, it was about stating boundaries and saying what was acceptable to me. The anger subsided then, foregiveness was not needed or necessary and would have been dishonest in any case.
Maybe your Mum has not been able to reach a place where she can assertively meet her own needs. Please don't demean her by expecting her to foregive your father. Its Ok if she doesn't. Its also OK for you to state to your father that your mother did not deserve his treatment. You can still have a relationship with him going forward.
Added By Owl1 on 28-01-2010
Jools our posts crossed.
Good on you for posting honestly. I accept you didn't set out to hurt your ex but you did get caught up and your DID HURT her big time. Lots of people embark on course of action that do hurt their loved ones without intending that, that doesn't make it right or acceptable but I guess you know that. And just because you didn't mean to hurtt does not mean your ex didn't experience it as deeply hurtful. That was her reality.
I do hope you read the bit I posted about foregiveness above. I wouldn't beg for foregiveness from your ex if I was you as it isn't something you have a right to at all. Its perfectly OK for her not to forgive you for the reasons stated above, it is in fact a very assertive thing for her to do. Foregiveness only serves your need to feel better, it won't make her feel any better. Its enough that you are sorry.
You don't and can't say how your ex feels about you, only she can say that. Don't confuse emotional distancing ( a strategy used by the hurt to shield themselves from further hurt and perceived attack and thus keep themselves safe) and lack of trust (understandable we are always wary of those who we feel betrayed by) as hate or even lack of love.
Humans when hurt tend to protect themselves from further hurt. Thats what is likely been left behind in the wake of your broken relationship with your ex. And humans that feel stink about their past actions tend to react overly defensively seeing things as perceived revenge when thats not the case but rather the other party trying to carve out a new life for themselves on depleted emotional resources from the debris thats been left behind. Its very toxic.
I'm not saying you or Sophie's dad are necessarily bad people jools. I do think some people behave foolishly and carelessly, something you have acknowledged in yourself.
I draw the analogy of an alcoholic (my Dad was one). They would say they don't set out to hurt the ones they love but they do. Then they justify it by citing their unhappiness and how others around them are not right. Sorry ultimately its their issue and behaviour that they need to take responsibility for.
Jools I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about it though. It happened and it had a big impact. learn from it, and change your behaviour accordingly thats all you can do. I am not sure why you imagine yourself having to explain all this to your daughter in the future. She is very young and her parents not being together is part of her reality.
Added By Jools123 on 28-01-2010
Hi Owl,
I don't beg for forgiveness as that's not what I want. I have simply said on numerous occasions (mediation for contact) how sorry I am for what I did. People have told me that I have to move on and the past is the past but sometimes I just cant help myself thinking about that time, thinking how hurt she was, how I just shut her out, how I spent my time while she was hurting. I was bl00dy awful and it must have been truly awful for her. I hate myself for how I acted. Above anything, she was a friend and no longer is, and you dont treat friends like I did.
I also believe that my daughter will ask why I left her mum and I will need to explain. It may not happen but if it does then I need to be truthful and honest.
I suppose we've gone slightly off thread but my point was that some men don't mean to hurt their ex. I know their ultimate actions do result in hurt but I don't think its their goal to do that but a byproduct that has severe repercussions.
Sophie's Dad should still be allowed a relationship with his daughter if they both want that and whilst her mum might still be hurting it is wrong for her to discount what her daughters want because of her still feeling hurt. I think we understand the hurt but the implied actions of making your children choose are wrong, they have every right to see their Mum and Dad in equal proportions.
I think my point was, ok, tip-toe around her mum if that's how she wants to do it or if that smooths the way but don't be forced into not seeing him because her mum doesn't want that.
Added By Owl1 on 28-01-2010
"I suppose we've gone slightly off thread but my point was that some men don't mean to hurt their ex. I know their ultimate actions do result in hurt but I don't think its their goal to do that but a byproduct that has severe repercussions."
Sorry Jools I still think that is a cop out. They may start on the hurtful course of action with no intent to hurt, but at some point very early on there will be a flicker in their head and consciousness where they know exactly that they will hurt if found out. Anything else is just denial.
I don't buy the nonsense that you had no idea that your wife would not be hurt if she found out that you were responding to amorous advances by a work colleague and getting involved. I think in reality you took a risk assessment and went ahead anyway. You must have turned your mind to it. I think it was your intention that she would not find out in the first instance and what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her, but your actions per se were deeply hurtful and potentially very damaging to your relationship. To suggest otherwise is just disingenuous.
I think what you are saying is you primarily had an affair because it made you feel good, not because you woke up in the morning and thought "I want to hurt my wife today, how best can I do this?. Oh I know I will go out and have an office fling to get at her"
I accept you didn't do that but to suggest that you didn't know having an office fling would be hurtful to her when you embarked on it is taking it too far.
But your friends are right, what is done is done and you have to move on and not dwell on it. All you can do is learn from it and change your behaviour so you don't inflict that type of pain on your loved ones again.
I think its for Sophie to work out what she wants and how she feels. It sounds like she is an adult and can do that. She can work out her relationships with her parents. Its not about equal proportions, its about processing and moving through hurt and grief and coming out the other side. I know one of my daughters has had her own journey to take in that regard.
Added By Jools123 on 28-01-2010
I don't believe I ever said that I didn't think it would be hurtful to her. I knew what I was doing was wrong and knew it would hurt her when she found out but as you state I didn't wake up in the morning and think I'm going to hurt you and have a fling.
Anyway, enough from me!
Added By Owl1 on 28-01-2010
So you consciously knew you were hurting her Jools which is the point I am making. All affairees know they are being hurtful. Thats the part that hurts. That someone who purports to love you can knowingly hurt you at the same time and have such reckless disregard for the impact that has on you. But I guess you know that.
The level of malicious intent is irrelevant IMO. In fact hurtful cads who wake up in the morning and decide they are going out to have a fling to p**s the wife off are probably less damaging. At least you know where you stand with them. Its the mixed up, I love you and I didn't mean to hurt you routine which is so confusing and soul destroying. I rather think of it as being caught up in someone elses bloody chaos and dysfunctionality. Its like someone thrashing about in sea in their own agitation and everyone else just gets swamped by the waves!
Anyway enough from me!
Added By Jools123 on 28-01-2010
Yes I did (know it was hurting her) and wish I hadn't.
Added By EnglishRose on 29-01-2010
Don't 30% or 50% of people in marriages have an affair and more men than women get found out? it's huge numbers. That doesn't mean it's right but it's certainly very common and always has been. Plenty of men aren't the fathers of their children. And whilst it's easy to say there's a wrong there are lots of other things people do wrong to each other like deny sex or just be nasty to their other half.
but of course people react to infidelity as they do. Through the ages and even today people kill when they find out. It's hugely hurtful and plenty lose their chidlren in consequence and most of their wealth.
Anyway back to sophie, if you get on with your siblings why not do what we did when my father had dementia - just reach agreement that whatever is given out or in a will you will divide the money evenly after death, then the will means nothing. Most siblings are quite reasonable like that if you all like each other. That seems the simpler solution and if everyone agrees you are allowed to do a will variation after death which is what we did after my mother died.
Added By obiwan_kenobi_again on 04-02-2010
I think the statement about having an affair to hurt or not is irrelevant.
Having an affair is going to hurt- only a fool cannot see this.
There is an element of reckless behavior that is difficult to defend.
anyway...
Added By Suvla1915 on 07-02-2010
"There is an element of reckless behavior that is difficult to defend."
Yes. I think that is what I really meant. Bit like a drink driver.
Added By Jools123 on 07-02-2010
Nothing like a drink driver - absolute b*ll*cks!
Added By Suvla1915 on 07-02-2010
In terms of level of intent, that's what I meant. Drink drivers don't set out to hurt people do they? But the actions they take have a high element of risk that they endanger other's well being. Sometimes they get away with it and nobody finds out, sometimes they cause damage. Same with affairs.
Added By Owl1 on 07-02-2010
I tend to agree with Suvla's analogy of drunk drivers. They usually know they are too intoxicated to drive, they just hope they don't get caught out or hurt others.
There is also the intoxication element, Drunks are intoxicated by alcohol, it makes them feel good. Those who embark on affairs are often intoxicated by the feel good factor they provide.
Addictive behaviours in any form are often very damaging to those around us.
Added By Jools123 on 07-02-2010
And drunk drivers kill! Stupid comments! Especially from somebody who has felt the hurt of a drunk driver! My blood is boiling!
Added By Owl1 on 07-02-2010
Jools calm down and think about it what is being said.
yes drunk drivers kill, but none of them set out to kill. They simply make a reckless decision and are left to deal with the consequences.
Likewise as you yourself say many who have affairs don't set out to hurt, but they are very reckless as to others feelings and what the real consequences might be.
It is the same mindset operating.
Is the drunk driver who couldn't resist drinking too much alcohol an inherently bad person? No he is not a cold blooded intentional killer. He is incredibly reckless though and in being so has a disregard for the safety and feelings of others, conscious or not.
Is the affairee caught up by something they can't resist an inherently bad person. No but they do have a reckless disregard for others feelings conscious or not and the possible consequences of their actions.
Some of us are more circumspect and will process and think through consequences when making decisions. Reckless people don't do that and that is how they hurt others. Of couse the drunk driver's mind is affected by alcohol so the ability to process is impaired. The affairee's mind is often pumped up with the ego rush that goes with being lavished with "loving attention" so who knows may be similarly impaired or maybe they just choose to blind themselves to reality.
I am sorry to hear you have felt the hurt of a drunk driver's actions. I am sorry your then wife had to feel the hurt of your actions. But I'd say if you didn't set out to hurt the consequences arose from the same mindset.
Stop and think how you felt when hurt by a drunk driver's recklessness. Different results but maybe you can have some understanding of your then wife's anger at the time.
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