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Subject: Should I stay or should I go?
Posted By Suspicious Minds on 31-01-2010
I would appreciate some opinions on the dilemma I find myself in.
I am now divorced and the FMH is on the market. My cheating ex has moved abroad with the woman he left me for and is out of contact with myself and everyone else in the family (including his mother) My youngest daughter is at a local university but has moved out to student accommodation with her boyfriend and I am living alone for the first time in my life and I hate it!!!! I am so lonely most of the time that I can't help dwelling on the past and am desperate to move away to live near my family. I dream about it all the time. Trouble is daughter doesn't want me to go. She says she will be on her own then and I feel very guilty at the thought of abandoning her like her father has done. She wants me to buy a house nearby and be there when she comes over once or twice a week and wants to settle for ever in this area. I am happy when she visits but most of the time I am very unhappy and lonely.I would love to move but also worry I might still be unhappy if I didn't see my daughter every week. I could be worse off or it could be a great new start for me. But am I being selfish even thinking about leaving my daughter here alone, you don't leave your children do you? I'm so confused and really don't like my life!!
Has anyone been in this situation? I know ultimately I must make up my own mind but I would appreciate any helpful viewpoints. Thanks.
Follow up comments
Added By LazyLizzie on 31-01-2010
I can appreciate how you feel - lots of people feel lonely when they are left to rattle round a house on their own.
You say the FMH is up for sale and that your daughter wants you to be near her but you are considering moving away. Its a big decision. Have you considered a compromise? Why not sell up and then rent a property for a while? It would take away some of the responsibility of sorting out a new home - you wouldn't have to deal with repairs and decorating. you would have chance to discover whether the loneliness is because you are in the fmh on your own - or if you need to make a few more friends - or move nearer to relatives.
Whatever you do - and I suggest you make no important decisions if you can help it, you need to find something to fill your time. Do you work? Have you tried evening classes or a new hobby? Wherever you are nobody will sort the problem for you - it requires some effort from you.
As to being selfish. Your daughter will pass her exams and take a job - this may well not be in the area where she is living now. Buying another property where you are may not be the answer. Please take your time making this decision as it will impact on the rest of your life.
Added By EnglishRose on 01-02-2010
I think you need to find a local boyfriend. I have 3 children at university stage or just beyond and they really in many senses still need a home. Even when they were away they were living at home half the year. They need that. That's your obligation.
Also a dream of being near your family won't be the same in practice. Do you work full time? If you can find fulfilling well paid full time work a lot of problems are solved because you're too busy to worry about things.
Added By Teadrinker on 01-02-2010
I like Lazy Lizzie's idea of renting for a while so you can see how things go and don't have too much commitment in one place. Is it a long way between your daughter and your other family? Could you live somewhere which is a compromise, not where your extended family live or where your daughter lives, but somewhere where your d could easily visit you and you could easily visit your extended family? As you've never lived alone, perhaps it would be good to experience it if you could start afresh (away from the FMH) whilst also having lots of contact with family.
You're not being selfish. Your d is an adult and will probably have to consider living in a different area when she gets a job anyway.
English Rose, you are funny. An obligation to house adult children at university stage and beyond? So when do you think a child becomes an independent adult????? Tut, tut, all this expensive private school education and it hasn't turned them into independent adults. Not to mention that SM's d is living with her bf, so is SM supposed to provide a home for both?
Added By why? on 10-02-2010
i dont personally think renting would be the answer. i think you might find this leaves you in limbo. maybe not. i agree with er on this one. although your daughter may be an adult, she is a young adult and still needs a sense of belonging and security. she may not be in work when she finishes uni. her relationship may end. she may lose her accomodation. it would be good for her to have a sense of stability and security she can depend upon whilst finding her feet. that all said.your life and your happiness is every bit as important.
a good fulfilling job is probably the answer. you will be busy and gets you out the house (im assuming you dont work - you might already).hobbies, courses etc will all help.
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