ONDIVORCE GENERAL AND CONTACT MESSAGEBOARD
[ADD YOUR COMMENTS] [LIST ALL SUBJECTS]
Subject: Light at the end of the tunnel
Posted By dts on 02-02-2010
Hi everybody,
I have already received superb advice on here regarding a question I asked the other day. Thanks to all that responded.
Thought I would post a bit about what is happening in my case.
After reading through quite a lot of the posts on here, it saddens me to see so many people going through such heartache, especially when a good portion of it is probably unnecessary. Wife/husband refusing to cooperate, hiding assets, being deliberately obstructive when it comes to the NRP seeing the kids, etc.
After reading what some others have to go through, I think I am probably one of the lucky few. If separation/divorce can ever be considered lucky that is. I am fortunate enough to have a stbx who is being reasonable about things, but then so am I.
I can see the kids whenever I want. In fact I have just organised a regular night to see the older two, and will have the youngest over to stay sometimes.
I am putting the same amount of money into the household that I was before I left (or near enough). So I suppose I am paying the mortgage, household bills, etc.
So far it has been pretty amicable. Don't get me wrong, we have had our moments, but we both want to sort this out with the least amount of hassle for everybody involved, especially the kids. We are reasonably friendly towards each other and have discussed sensibly (often over email) how best to sort this mess out. In fact we sorted out the future CM payments via email in one day. She is going to do the house up a bit and then it's going on the market. Fingers crossed for a quick sale.
Email is a brilliant way of communicating under these circumstances because you have to consider your responses carefully and then craft your response accordingly. This has the amazing effect of focusing your mind on what you want to say rather than just reacting (often badly) to what the other person has said in a face to face conversation, which just escalates into a slanging match.
So as far as I can make out, all financial issues now sorted, in principle at least. The house is being sorted. No problems with access to the kids, and we are still amicable.
As I said above I count my blessings that we are both being sensible about this and willing to be reasonable and discuss things. It has probably made things much easier for both of us.
Just thought I'd post this, in the hope that it might help someone else to realise that it can be done if you're both willing to communicate, put the kids first, and all you want is fair outcome for both of you.
Hopefully things will continue in this way.
Follow up comments
Added By Ess on 02-02-2010
Hi light. It's lovely to read a positive experience of divorce like this where both parents are putting the kids first and also it soulds like you are aware of your own and each others needs. You should be very proud of what you have achieved so far and I really hope it continues so well for you all :)
Added By dts on 02-02-2010
Hi Ess,
Thanks for your kind thoughts. I was sorry to read in your earlier post that your ex is being such an a**e about you taking the kids on holiday. Why can't people just be reasonable about things like this, especially 6 years on.
So far, under the circumstances, it seems to going OK. We both understand that sometimes it might not be possible to stick to a timetable, for any number of reasons, but we have agreed that wha twe now have is a plan, a way forward, a framework in which to work, so that everyone, including the children, know exactly where they are. We are not rigid on timings either, as long as that suits both of us. If either of us had a particualr need for collection/delivery of the kids to be at a particular time then I'm certain that would honoured. But at lesat now there's a timetable in place to work to, but it's not set in stone. It is not intended to be. That flexibility helps both of us, and if one of the kids has something else planned for that night, then they can choose to that if they wish, but I'll still take the others out, we could rearrange for another day.
But it hasn't all been plain sailing, at least not for me, Without going into too much detail, I was in right state over the last few months of last year. I have ended up on anti deprassants for the last 3 months or so and the doc reckons that I'll be on them for at least another 6 months or so. It feels like I been through worse than hell. Stilll not out of the woods yet, but am starting to feel a bit better recently.
Added By Ess on 02-02-2010
Hi dts - sorry I called you "Light" when I replied! Was looking at the title (duh!)
Sounds like you've found a great balance that works for all of you where the kids are concerned. A framework to start from so that everyone has a good idea about where they stand together with flexible attitudes. It also great that you recognise how well you've done so far.
I'm glad you're feeling better recently. I know now that I was in shock for the first couple of months after my ex left and also went on antidepressants for 6 months. Not everyone agrees with them but for me it was right for a short period.
It's really hard to adapt to the idea that your future isn't going to be as you imagined it. Personally, after some time, despite all the bad stuff, I realised that my new future is better than it would have been had we stayed together.
Good luck
Added By skovby1 on 02-02-2010
I thought I was reading an old post of mine for a minute :-)
dts - I am really pleased to hear that you are sorting it out this way. My ex and I have had an comparatively easy time - the odd hiccup, but it definitely can be done as you are now experiencing.
We are now nearly 6 years down the line and contact is still going really well - my ex now lives with a new partner and although I think this will always hit you emotionally it has not interfered with the parenting partnership we continue to have.
Well done and all the best for your onwards journey.
Added By dts on 03-02-2010
Ess, Skovby1
Thanks for your support and kind words of encouragement. It's good to hear that you both have been able to move on.
With regard to the tablets, I hate having to take them and the doc knows this as well, but by the same token I also recognise that they are helping me at the moment. I will be guided largely by the doc but if I decide I really do want to come off them at any point I will discuss with him in some depth before making the final decision.
I think I am still in shock. I really didn't see this coming at all. We had a few issues with regard to being out of work (both of us) and finding other jobs which led to financial pressures etc. but I never thought for a moment that the very foundation of our relationship had been damaged so badly.
I'm honestly not looking forward to the time when she gets someone else in her life. I think that will hit me very hard, and that I'll have a very hard time coping with that, when/if it happens.
As for me, the last thing I want is another relationship. Can't see it ever happening really to be honest.
I wish I could say that it is my worst nightmare come true but this wasn't even on my radar. It was such a shock. My entire world had/has crumbled and now I will have to start again. But I don't want to have to. I lost my wife and my family, moved out and started a new job, all at more or less the same time. Not good.
The biggest problem that I have is that I still love her. She has told me that she no longer wants me in her life as her husband, and I love her enough to let her go if that is what she wants. All I want is for her to be happy.
Added By Kat007 on 03-02-2010
dts,
So lovely to hear that everything is all about the kids, how you are doing things is how I wass hoping my ex and I could but he was not prepared and still isn't to co-parent or parallel parent as it is now called, his way or no way which makes it hard for our children.
I however continue to be pleasent and compromise when asked unless we have plans and then all is well. Hopefully oneday this will happen for our children, but I can only see things getting worse when he remarries I will then have to deal with 2 control freaks argh.
Continue on your quest for a happy contented life for your children and be proud of how you both work through things well done. xx
Added By Ess on 03-02-2010
I wish I could find some words of wisdom for you or a magic wand but I can't. The shock and the pain and the fear and uncertainty are so overwhelming at the moment - and so much change with a new job and a new place to live. No wonder you're feeling like your world has fallen apart. It sounds like it has.
I know it doesn't feel like it but very slowly, it will get easier and start to make more sense.
When your doctor prescribed the tablets, did he/she also refer your for counselling? I found it really helpful to talk through my feelings with someone who really listened and helped me to make some sense of it all.
Added By dts on 04-02-2010
Kat,
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I'm sorry to hear about you ex not being prepared to at least compromise. That must make life very difficult for you and hard to cope with, and, I imagine, it is even harder for the children to understand/deal with.
Ess,
You are so right, it's only a few months down the line though, and I have to believe that my situation will improve but it's so hard to think positively a lot of the time, but I have started to feel a little better over the last week or so. And yes I do wish I had a magic wand as well. In fact, that is exactly what my wife said to me, that she wished she had a magic wand so that she could make it all ok for me.
The doc has suggested counselling, but I feel that whilst it may very well help (if you get a good counsellor), that I am not yet ready to bear my soul to a total stranger. I have to be in the right mood and the right frame of mind to be able to discuss this stuff face to face, and I'm not always in the right place to do that. I can't just switch it on, on demand, which is what I think it may feel like if I make an appointment with a counsellor. I may well try counselling at some future point, but I just don't yet feel ready to discuss all this very personal and emotional stuff with a total stranger. I never was particularly good at expressing my feelings, particularly emotional, and I feel that this may well be a barrier to successful counselling. In addition to that, I have also never been very good at asking for (and/or accepting) help with this sort of stuff. I can't help but feel that I have failed everyone, particularly my wife and my children, as well as myself. Believe me when I say it wouldn't be too easy for to talk to somone else about this when I feel like I am such a total failure and have made such a mess of my life. It is difficult to admit that to myself let alone to somebody else, particulary in a real discussion. I have a tendancy to close up and not want talk about it because I am very uncomfortable with it, and think that it's my problem, my failure, therefore I should be able to deal with it on my own. In fact, it's a wonder that I am even on this forum at all.
I realise that this is just something that I have to work through, even though I don't really want to. Whilst I am grateful that we are both being sensible about things, and have been able to sort things out amicably, especially for the kids, the truth is that I still can't believe that this has actually happened to us, to me.
I know that there still some dark times ahead for me, and that I do have deal with all the emotions, but I just don't feel ready to do that yet.
On a positive note, I would just like to say that I am really glad that I found this forum. Everyone seems to be so kind and supportive, at a time when that is what I really need the most. And it's great that this support comes from people who have already been through it and come out the other side.
If no one minds I will continue to post, as I think that as well as the responses being helpful and supportive to myself, my experiences as I go through this may help others, particularly those out there might just read this and not want to post themselves.
Added By Ess on 04-02-2010
Hi dts - I hear what you're saying about being reluctant to try counselling and about not feeling ready. It's important to do what feels right at the moment and it sounds like you're doing a good enough job of finding your own ways to work things out. I'm glad that you can write here and get some comfort and support from it.
When I first found this forum six years ago, I littered the place with question after question. It helped me so much to post here. It's feels safer to be open on an anonymous forum so post as much as you like. I'm sure that from time to time you'll come across other peoples posts and be able to offer advice or support too.
Take care x
Added By EnglishRose on 06-02-2010
My family are mostly psychiatrists. They do tend to say pills plus therapy is usually better than just pills but also things like not drinking, getting out in the open air, exercise, healthy balanced diet with regular meals etc etc.
My ex like you didn't want a divorce and there was no one else involved but he was advised not to leave the home until it was all done so that was very acrimonious as he was constantly arguing and then he wanted to much money but ilke you we did although we had lawyers in the background manage to avoid all hearings at court and just reached agerement. In a sense the fact he never has the children except 2 hours a week made it easier, although much harder for me as I work full time.
Added By dts on 08-02-2010
Hi Ess,
Thanks for the support.
Once again you have hit the nail right on the head about doing things to your own timetable. I just wish I could convince other people of that. My family are great, don't get wrong, and I know it's only because they care, but I get the impression that they think I should be doing more to help myself, I keep getting nagged to do this or that, it would help, you know it would etc.
They don't seem to understand that I have to this to my timetable and not anyone elses. I know its only becasue they care about me but I can't seem to get this through to them at all. It seems that it upsets them when they think I am rejecting their advice. I know its selfish but at the moment I can only really look out for myself, I don't really have enough energy to worry about what others think I should do. I have to be able to devote all my efforts to myself right now. If I don't get myself sorted then I will no good at all to anyone else. I guess its probably difficult to understand unless you've experienced it yourself, or are going through it yourself.
I hope that one day I may be able to offer suport and advice to others in this situation, but at the moment it's all I can do to get from one day to the next myself.
Hi EnglishRose,
Thank you for your support. I am getting there, albeit slowly. I am starting to think about (and look forward to) exercising again. The drinking has subsided dramatically in the last couple of weeks or so, with no actual conscious effort from me, so that's a good thing. I was drinking way too much, a lot for me anyway. Now I'm back to the odd pint or two, and maybe the occasional whisky.
I'm eating a lot better than I did a few months ago, with regular, relatively balanced meals, but I will also admit to eating a lot of rubbish. I lost a tremendous amount of weight last year, and because I'm not yet back to proper weight I think my body is craving fat and lots of it. I think that will probably sort itself out when I start exercising seriously again.
I started smoking again, beginning of last November I think it was, after giving up for 5 or 6 years. I know that has to go, and aim to have started quitting properly by the end of Feb. I already have a prescription for patches which is what finally helped me to quit last time.
So one small step at a time seems to the way it is happening for me. I know I'll get there eventually. I just don't know how long the road will be, although I've already had some indication of some of the difficulties that I'll meet along the way.
Are you a psychiatrist by any chance, because if you are, and if you don't mind, I'd like to ask you about something I don't really feel comfortable about posting on here. Is there a system for private mail on this forum?
Added By skovby1 on 08-02-2010
I think it is important to actually allow yourself to feel pain and to grieve and those are of course very private and personal feelings. I think I've cried more in the last 5 years than in all the years that came before - eventually tears just became a valve and now I seem to honour my feelings much more. If nothing else you certainly get to know your own weaknesses, strengths and thresholds.
Just looking back at your posts here, you seem more open, but also as if you are hurting a lot more in the later posts than the initial post, so I think counselling combined with A-D's as suggested above could be an aim for you - in your own time.
Just in reply to the above, there isn't a private messenging forum here - some people set up anonymous email addresses and invite people to email to these.
All the best
Added By dts on 08-02-2010
Hi skovby1,
Thanks for your support. I agree with you and that is why I often just let the feelings flow through, rather than just reaching for the valium.
You are quite right. When I made my first couple of posts I was actually feeling quite positive but I've actually actually had quite a shitty weekend and I haven't been in a particualrly good place tonight either.
I was not hurting any less a few days ago, than I am now. It's just that I was coping better with it then. Still, I know I will have my ups and downs and that I will just have to get on with things, but in my own time, at my own pace and when I am ready to do so.
I am considering counselling, but just don't feel ready for it at the moment. Maybe I will in the near future.
Thanks for the info regarding PM. I have just set up a hotmail account. The address is dts****64***@***live***.***com (remove the *'s) if anyone wants to get in touch. EnglishRose ?
Added By dts on 08-02-2010
Sorry, made a mistake with the email address. It should be
dts****64***@***live***.***co***.***uk (remove the *'s)
|
